My Fair Zombie
by Smileyfax
Summary: In this one-shot, the cast of Daria re-enact My Fair Lady with zombies added to the mix . Also, I've never actually seen My Fair Lady, so don't expect much .


As a wise man once noted, death had not improved Daria Morgendorffer's complexion. And her eating habits, as the same man noted, hadn't helped either.

Jane and Quinn watched slack-jawed as Daria ate Stacy Rowe's innards. Sandi Griffin and Tiffany Blum-Deckler had already fled, screaming, into the night.

The night before, Daria had returned to the apartment she shared with Jane in Boston, complaining of feeling ill. She worked the night shift in Raft's Biochemical department on the janitorial staff, and had apparently cut her hand on some of the medical waste. It was actually her last night working there, as it was the end of the semester and she and Jane planned on returning to Lawndale the next day.

Jane drove as Daria complained of chills (even though temperatures were an unseasonably warm high 80s) and when they arrived, Jane tucked Daria in bed back in her old padded-wall room. She had apparently died quietly sometime during the afternoon, but came back in time for dinner.

Daria suddenly stopped eating, just as Stacy's eyes fluttered open. She sat up halfway before a shot rang out, blowing Stacy's head clear off.

Jane looked to her side to see Quinn break open a double-barreled shotgun, put two more shells into it, and aim it at Daria. Jane shoved it out of the way just in time -- Quinn merely put a head-sized hole in the wall.

"Quinn, where the hell did you get a shotgun?" Jane asked.

Quinn shrugged. "It was under the bed when we got the house."

Jane stared at her for a moment. "...Nevermind that, then. Look, you can't just kill Daria!"

"Sure I can, she's a zombie," Quinn explained slowly, as if Jane were the flighty fashion fiend.

"No, she can be...uh, rehabilitated!" Jane was desperate. "I'll bet I can make Daria into a proper young lady again...or at least as much of one as she was before...in six days. Can you give me six days?"

Quinn glared at Jane. "I guess so," she finally sighed out. "But if she so much as thinks about biting somebody, off with her head!" Quinn stalked back into her room, shotgun crooked in one arm.

Jane tentatively approached Daria. "Daria? Do you remember me?"

Daria peered at Jane for a moment, then lunged. Jane rolled out of the way and swatted Daria on the back of the head. "Daria! That's no way to treat your best friend!" she scolded.

Daria looked blankly at Jane. "Frrrr-ennnd?" she asked.

"That's right! I'm your friend! Your amiga!"

"Aaaaaaa-meeeee-gaaaaa?"

"Yes! That's me! Jane Lane!"

"Jaaaaaane....braaaaaains!" Daria lunged again.

Jane dodged and sighed. "This is going to be harder than I thought.

XXXX

"Alright, let's try this again." Jane had securely duct-taped Daria to the wheeled chair in Daria's room -- Daria could wiggle some, but couldn't bite Jane.

"Daria, I want you to repeate after me: The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain."

"The braaaaain in Braaaaain staaaaays maaaaainly innn the braaaaain."

Jane rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Daria, if you're not going to take me seriously, we may as well give up now. Now, try again: The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain."

"The raaaaain..."

"Yesss..." Jane urged.

"In Spaaaain..."

"Yes!" Jane said, excited.

"Staaaays maaaaainly innnnn..."

"You've got it! Yes, Daria, you've got it!"

"The braaaaaain."

Jane shook her head. "You're hopeless, Daria."

XXXX

Finally, after six hard days, Jane thought that Daria was ready. Jane stood at the top of the stairs, with Quinn, Sandi, Tiffany, Helen, and Jake present. "Ladies and gentlemen! May I present the fair lady, Daria Morgendorffer!" She waved with a flourish, and Daria walked into view.

"The raaaaain in Spaaaaaain staaaaaays maaaaainly on the plaaaaain," she moaned out.

"It took SIX DAYS to get her to say that right, so you bastards better appreciate it!" Jane shouted to the assembled below.

Only then did Jane realize they weren't even paying attention. "Hey! Why the hell aren't you paying attention?!" she yelled.

"Jane, you idiot, there's a zombie apocalypse going on out there!" Quinn shouted back.

"The first attacks happened in Raft's Biochemical laboratory, and it just spiraled out from there," Helen explained.

"Hm. I probably should have followed up on that when Daria turned into a zombie and all," Jane thought out loud.

"BRAAAAAINS!" Daria suddenly shouted, leaping over the railing in front of the gathered people. She tore out Helen's throat first, then tore out Jake's intestines and feasted on them. Quinn ran upstairs (headed for her shotgun), but while she was gone Daria slew Sandi and Tiffany as well.

"Does this...giant bleeding wound...make me look fat?" Tiffany coughed out as she died.

Quinn returned and aimed the shotgun at Daria. "Any last words, sis?" she asked.

Daria looked pointedly at her. "No...brains..." she moaned, and turned away.

"Oh HA HA, Daria," Quinn said. Before she could fire, though, she screamed, and looked down to see Sandi take another bite out of her ankle. She unloaded both barrels into Sandi's face, but before she could reload Tiffany and Jake pulled her down and began tearing into her.

"Daria! Up here!" Jane urged. Daria looked up and shambled upstairs, closely followed by the reanimated remains of everyone else.

"This way!" Jane opened the attic and pulled the ladder down. Daria tentatively took the rungs and began climbing up. Jane placed one hand firmly on Daria's ass and shoved, sending her the rest of the way into the attic. Jane climbed up and pulled the ladder in, sealing them in the attic.

"Daria, go open that door!" She pointed to the door at the back of the attic. Daria walked over, turned the knob, and pulled the door open.

Inside was a closet bare of anything except dust and the fuse box.

"Huh, I thought for sure that was going to work...Oh well." Jane shrugged and sat down. "Well, amiga, looks like this is it. Any last words?"

"Braaaaaains," Daria moaned in reply.

"Yeah, yeah, don't rub it in my face."

"Jaaaaaane braaaaains," Daria added, tapping on Jane's skull for emphasis.

"Oh, you mean you want my brains?" A tear formed in Jane's eye. "That's so sweet! Nobody's ever wanted my brains before!"

Jane kissed Daria (FANSERVICE ALERT!) then bowed her head, parting her hair to reveal the scalp. "Be gentle, will you?"

Crunch.

XXXXXXXXXX

And they all 'lived' happily ever after! 


End file.
